火曜日, 8月 30, 2005

I am so angry

I am so angry I am so angry. Why am I so angry? I don't know. I don't want to be angry. But to not be angry, I should find out why I am angry and try to fix that. =S

Number 1 is this fucking shitty internet connection I fucking have. MY BROTHER's computer is doing well stealing other people's fucking internet but guess what, mine's fucking not. Owite, mine's fucking sucky and I really really wish that he would go get a provider fer us, which is what he was supposed to do uh latest 2 days after we moved in to this apartment.

Number 2 is my brother's untidiness. It is driving me nuts. I cleaned up this place when we moved in and I haven been in the house much since it was getting me sick.. but it seems that the place gets dirty quite easily. Of cuz it would be! When a person leaves food wrappers laying around after his meal, leaves crumbs all over the floor and carpet, leaves little pieces of chicken in the sink to breed flies...

Why is my brother untidy? It is partly due to my aunt in Singapore, who cleaned up after my brother everyday when he lived with her. OMG. Can someone help change him.

Why else am I angry? I think I'm also really angry with myself. I am such a selfish freak. We were watching the news about that fucking hurricane a few hours ago and Brian asked me why didn't I go volunteer. Haha. Of cuz I wouldn't, I don't do stuff for free noe. Plus, these white people. They all kinda suck noe. That was what I was thinking. I'm so selfish and stupid. Brian said that he donated 500 dollars for the tsunami fund. What did I do when the tsunami striked? Nothing. I didn't even care. People over at my side of the world were suffering and I was pitying myself back in Mobile wondering why I left Singapore. Why am I such a fucking selfish person? I really should start learning from Brian. He's kinda like my mentor now. And he's so caring too and comforting. That's why I like hanging out with him.

Anyways, someone just told me that today's Teacher's Day in Singapore so Happy Teacher's Day people. Jin is so cool. I like him so very much...

I think there's more to why I am angry. I guess it's more of being angry with myself doing all these shit and stuff. I feel so stupid. People around me know so much more than I do. Maybe that's why everyone around me has a lover and I don't. I guess all my ex-boyfriends have new girlfriends now and I'm still fucking single. It's kinda pathetic and very pathetic. I guess I'm just not too happy with myself. I think I don't meet my own expectations of myself.

I really really want a hug and kiss now. I want someone to let me snuggle in his arms and just let me pour out everything noe. But haha.. All I have is my bed and a blanket to try to snuggle in. Snuggle. What a fucking word. And everytime I get angry or sad I cry. I guess it's good as long as it's not in front of people. I'm so weak. Why can't I be strong like I used to be. Man I wasn't afraid of anything.

And I'm so worried about my parents. Fucking Hurricane Katrina had left Mobile with no electricity at all. A tree fell on my friend's house. It's terrible to live without electricity. Man why didn't they just come here. I would gladly sleep on the floor to let them feel comfortable here and I wouldn't mind seeing Kiska again and I wouldn't mind cleaning up when they leave here. I miss them so much. My mom always makes me feel happy and comfortable. Now I really need a hug.

Now that I've thought about everything that made me angry, I'm not angry anymore. =) I'm sad. I'll try my best to change myself and let's hope that things will work out good for me.

Hebe jOtTeD dOwN heR tOtS aT 9:38 午後